My oldest daughter graduates college in May and in June my youngest will graduate high school. Suddenly all the many years of maintaining a career I love–and need, for economic reasons–and making sure I’m simultaneously there for my daughters’ needs, will come to an end. But that doesn’t mean the pain, stress and fears I’ve experienced for nearly 22 years will be a fading memory. I’ve worked too hard for too long to achieve the ever-shifting balance I’ve created to ignore the “mommy wars” frenzy that so easily cropped up again last week.

Because I have always had to earn an income, I confess to some resentment toward women who don’t have that concern. My first reaction to the whole Ann Romney brouhaha was that it’s a lot easier to be a stay-at-home mom if you have plenty of help and money to do so. But I recognize that as my own personal prejudice and I’m not proud of it. It comes from the years that I did have to put my daughters in full-time daycare because my salary was the difference between getting food and health care for them while my unemployed husband, caught in the economic downturn of the early ’90s, went through the steps to be a teacher.

It was a painful time of my parenting experience because until then I had managed to be a freelance writer and editor from home, having the best of both worlds, while my husband worked full-time. I could take my 4-year-old and 4-month-old to the playground and mommy-and-me sessions, while still keeping my hand in the world of words that I loved. It meant being grateful for the girls’ long nap times, other stay-at-home moms who graciously hosted play dates, and work hours at night after the girls were asleep. I could still nurse my youngest and use cloth diapers and do all the parenting basics that were important to me, while earning a byline and a paycheck.

The day I drove away and left the girls with a nurturing and gentle caregiver was heartbreaking. I still haven’t forgotten the seemingly inconsolable cries of my infant, which lasted so many hours that the caregiver told me later that day, “I’m not sure this is good for her.” What choice did I have? At the time, we couldn’t even pay our rent. I was the sole bread winner and I remember feeling grateful that I lived in a time when at least that fact wasn’t entirely frowned upon. And yet, a year later, when my oldest was in kindergarten I took a personal day to keep the promise of visiting her classroom. I was met by the class mom with the words: “Oh, you’re the one who works.” As though I was the only mother she had ever met who had to work outside the home. I felt the sting of the inequality of the economic experience for mothers.

For two years I worked full-time at a family-unfriendly publishing company where I was put on probation for being two minutes late the day that I had to load my girls, a diaper bag, backpack and my briefcase onto a sled just so I could get them down our snowy driveway to meet the school bus. For me that was the last straw.  I had managed to keep my freelance going at night–I don’t think I slept for two years–so I lined up enough assignments to quit my job. My husband by then had a long-term sub position and had benefits again, so he encouraged me to take a chance.

I have freelanced from home for the past 16 years and in fact for the last three have run my own company, providing work to other stay-at-home parents. And I am forever grateful that I have been able to do so. I have always been acutely aware that since I was married to a teacher who had health benefits I was privileged to have the choice my divorced mom friends did not, that I could choose to set up my career from home.

But it has not been without sacrifice. Trying to be all things to everyone—a successful career woman as well as an available, involved mom and a wife—has meant that the one person I often ignored over the years is me. Mine was the generation who were told we could do it all: productively balance a career and motherhood. The resulting guilt, anxiety and feelings of inadequacy were an unfair burden. I experienced the frustration of not being as available for assignments that would make me as successful as some other writers my age, which could have made our family more financially comfortable. And I endured the exhaustion of being the class mom by day who had to stay up all night to meet a deadline. There were many days I wished my salary didn’t matter as much to our household so I could be 100 percent involved with the girls, because truthfully even as we played on the playground, sometimes I was worrying that I might not meet a deadline. I wanted so much not to have to divide my priorities. Yet there were just as many days that I felt exhilarated by the writing process or to be away on a business trip—with a hotel room to myself—and to hear the applause of an appreciative audience. The resulting self-inflicted conflict was crazy-making and unnecessary. It took me years to cut myself some slack, and by then the girls were both in school and cared more about their friends than what I was doing.

In those difficult days I found that we moms were our own worst enemies, sniping about who worked harder, who was the better mother; the whole quantity versus quality debate. But I knew I could not have managed quite as well without the help of stay-at-home moms who did not have an extra career as I did. They were the ones who met the bus for me when appointments kept me late. They were my emergency back-up when the school called because someone was sick and I was 30 miles away. Being able to return the favor when they needed a break from that unrelenting schedule of full-time childcare made us sisters in the challenging world of mommyhood.

Ultimately I know that I did a good job. I was and continue to be available to my daughters when they need me—and even when they think they don’t. I served as a good role model to them as well. They attended my book signings, events and interviews when I had to bring them with me, and sometimes they asked to come when they didn’t need to. They tell me now how proud they are of me. They both want to be moms who arrange their careers so they can balance parenting with outside work.  And remarkably, they have no memories of the days I do, when I felt like I was only half listening to them. Instead, they recollect activities, events and conversations that are meaningful to them, some that I can recall having to struggle to achieve, but many more that were spontaneous.

And now, all too soon, my daughters will be fully launched into the world. There are no more PTA events, class trips and meet-the-teacher nights. No more half days to juggle around a deadline or class projects that require numerous trips to the arts and crafts store. I’ve never worked harder than in trying to establish this careful balance as a mother. It pains me that just as I’m about to leave the working mommy era behind, the public is trying to dredge up all the resentment again.

Can’t we just let mothers do what they have to without making them feel guilty? We moms can do the guilt part just fine on our own. That’s why we need each other to keep grounded, no matter what work situation we’re in. Ultimately motherhood should always be a choice, as should our level of involvement in work inside or outside the home. Regardless, we should extend a hand to help other mothers, not to slap them down, if for no other reason than to publicly nurture the next generation of mothers–and fathers.

E-mail us your story at publisher@liparentonline.com. You have to be a Parent Club member to enter, so click here if you’re not: http://liparentonline.com/parent_club.html

The deadline is Mar. 15.

“This event is an informative opportunity for parents to interview camp directors and comparison shop for their child’s summer experience,” says Long Island Parent magazine publisher Liza Burby. “But it also gets children and their parents excited about the summer because the camps set up lots of fun, free activities to experience that day.”

Among the participants are A Touch of Class, Camps R Us, Camp Tranquillity, Destination Science, Funny Faces, Have Dummy Will Travel, Hofstra University, LIU Post Youth Camps, Madison Theater at Molloy College, Thomas School of Horsemanship and The Studio Dance and Pilates.

To learn more about the event, which takes place in center court near the Macy’s entrance of the Broadway Mall, visit www.liparentonline.com or call 631-673-4082.

For instance, to reinforce our nonracist beliefs, my husband and I bought both a black and white family to share our daughters’ pink dollhouse. For the girls, the dolls were one big, happy family, so that lesson at least worked. Their Barbies all had professional careers, and we were sure to have science kits and tools in the house as well as American Girl dolls (who do, after all, promote an appreciation for history). But no matter how purposefully my husband and I shopped for our daughters, they were drawn to My Little Pony with their pink and purple manes with tiny jewelled stickers. And their favorite game was Pretty, Pretty Princess where the winner is the girl who gets all the jewelry and the crown.

In retrospect I realize this toy preference was in part because any trip to the store was like having boys on one side and girls on the other at a school dance, since toy stores do indeed separate items by gender. Unless you purposefully walk your daughter down the “boys’” aisle, she won’t know what’s there; and the same holds true for boys. Then there are the commercials that let astute kids know from the first frame to whom the ad is targeted.

So I wasn’t at all surprised to hear about the controversial creation of pink Legos for girls who can now have their own set meant to build a beauty parlor or ice cream shop. They’re not as complex as those Star Wars kits in the boys’ aisle, but Lego is congratulating themselves for finally acknowledging the other half. (More likely they realized they were missing out on 50 percent of their potential shopping pool.) Lego spokespeople have said they didn’t create the gender divide and are only trying to cross it. But if it has taken them since 1947 to realize this, I’d say they do have some part in creating at least the perception that up until now Legos have been for boys only. My daughters had primary-colored Legos because they were fun to play with, and they created towers and structures that served equal duty for the Matchbox cars they had, as well as stables for their collection of My Little Ponies. But the fact that these were part of their toy collections is only due to the fact that my husband and I went to the boys’ aisle in the toy store to buy them. He had enjoyed them as a kid, and I had watched my brothers enjoy them. I didn’t want my girls to miss out.

All of this is to say that I don’t think girls need their Legos to be pink in order to feel that they can finally indulge in their brothers’ playtime. Is the Lego company making it easier for moms and dads to think Lego when they think of toys for their girls? I suppose the whole pink marketing campaign will work just fine.  But it takes extra thought and awareness on the part of parents to shop for playthings for our children that don’t reinforce stereotypes, be it gender or race. Even then, as I learned with my own girls, there are gender differences that can’t be bridged with color, and why should they have to be? As my daughter’s pink and purple pair of My Little Ponies ride off into the sunset aboard a Tonka dumptruck, as their  mom I proudly say: You go, girls.

So it’s not surprising to me that six students at Great Neck North High School allegedly paid Sam Eshaghoff to take the SATs for them, achieving scores no lower than 2140.  Who can say if the students’ parents knew what their children were doing or even if they were surprised by the results? Maybe these kids only have the one score to go by–and if you achieve such excellent scores the first time, why go back to get a comparison score that might tip off the officials? Were the guidance counselors surprised that these particular students did so well? Or were no red flags raised because they probably would have done this well on their own but panicked and decided to cheat instead? I suppose the details will come out as they always do.

But for now as a parent of a high school senior I’m reminded of my indignation when I learned that my daughters’ friends exaggerated and outright lied about their high school activities on applications for the honor society (how’s that for irony?) and college and got away with it. It’s one of those parenting moments when you feel helpless because the obvious comment, “At least you know you earned your achievements the honest way” seems hollow.  We live in a society that admires those who can “get away with” lying and cheating. And yet it still seems the right thing to do to raise my children to be honest so they can take pride in what they accomplish, no matter the outcome. Some will say that’s naive.  But here’s the thing: no one really ever “gets away with it.” Eventually they get caught, and then the fall is so much longer and the landing so much harder. My girls have and will continue to go through many disappointments in life. But one thing I know for sure is that everything that didn’t go the way they wanted has turned out to be a valuable life lesson. Another thing I’m certain of is that most every student who applies to a variety of colleges will get accepted somewhere–even if they don’t achieve 240o on their SATs on Saturday.

Etiquette celebrity Letitia Baldrige says that good manners mean good human relations, the way you act around people. “They’re about self-control and kindness to others—and common sense. Good manners are easy to figure out and they’re the quickest and easiest way to get something done. For example, if you eat properly, there’s less to clean up.”

Most of us understand that well-mannered children are more pleasant to be around. And Baldrige asserts that good manners lead to leadership positions and to getting and keeping jobs. Further, Peggy Post, great-granddaughter-in-law of Emily Post, says that children who are taught etiquette basics also have increased confidence in their ability to handle daily situations, as well as difficult ones.

Still, for all the benefits of good manners, for most parents, the question is how to teach them. The most logical way is to keep in mind your own manners. You can’t be impolite and then teach your kids to do as you say, but not as you do. Like all aspects of parenting, there are no shortcuts. While children should be taught good manners by parental example and with consistency, Post believes it’s also a cumulative process. “You make it clear to your children what you expect of them and you gradually build on those expectations.”

As a guideline, Post says there are certain skills children should be able to manage at each age, depending on their language and fine-motor skills.

• Age 2: Should be taught to say “please” and “thank you.” • Ages 3-4: Should learn to be neat eaters, handle basic introductions and not interrupt.

• Ages 5-6: With role-playing, you can teach children how to meet adults, by looking them in the eye and shaking hands. Most children should also be able to handle a knife and fork.

• Ages 7-10: They should be able to hold a conversation with an adult, though their attention spans probably won’t last for long conversations. You shouldn’t expect that, but should teach them to say, “May I be excused?” They should also know to put their napkin in their laps.

• Adolescents: While some teens may buck good manners, it’s never too late for them to learn. If you’ve taught them the basic building blocks, they’ll remember the rules.

If you’re not sure what to advise your children, Baldrige says you can’t go wrong teaching them the golden rule: Treat others the way you want to be treated and go one step further to simply being kind.

Within minutes I was humbled about my internal grumbling. And in tears. Because what do you say to a 7-year-old child wearing a T-shirt that reads, “A drunk driver killed my dad?” Her mom stood nearby surrounded by friends. Her T-shirt read, “A drunk driver killed my husband.” On April 30 at 5 am while he was on his way to work. What is the sense of that? The little girl happily made her craft with me and we chatted about her choices of stickers. And I was so glad to be able to be a part of the event for her sake and the 1,000-plus others there, all wearing equally tragic T-shirts about someone they had lost. Because even though we all know we’re not supposed to drink and drive, somehow there are those who feel this doesn’t apply to them. They drive anyway, and someone dies. Someone like the cousin of one little boy who told me today, “A car runned over my cousin.” Or the woman who was there because three years ago, on his Thanksgiving break, her sister-in-law’s brother was killed by a drunk driver.

What do you say to a child about reckless adult behavior that can change a child’s life forever? How do you explain all the empty pairs of shoes along the MADD walk’s path that represent lives lost, from the tiniest baby shoes to adult male sneakers?

You can’t, really. All you can do is repeat the message to drive sober and pray that someone is listening. If you won’t do it for my daughters and husband, or the many families there at the walk today, do it for your own family. Because no child should ever have to wear a T-shirt that reads “A drunk driver killed my dad.” If you insist that you can drink and drive then please tell me, what would you say to that child?

If you’re stumped for ideas, I’ve been the class mom often enough to share with you some successful gifts to my daughters’ teachers (as well as coaches, dance instructors, bus driver, etc.). Some have been group gifts from the whole class regardless of a student’s ability to contribute.

• Be creative. For instance, get a butterfly bush meant to attract butterflies for the teacher who taught a lesson about them.
• Give him something for his leisure time: a gift certificate for a local restaurant or movie theater passes.
• Try something the teacher can share with her own children, like gift certificates to an ice cream parlor.
• Replace classroom games that are worn.
• Get a special edition of the book the teacher read to the class this year.
• Make a scrapbook. Take photos of each child and have them write their favorite class memory. Bind them together with ribbon.
• Buy a canvas tote bag or a T-shirt and have the students each make a pair of handprints with various colored fabric paints. With a fabric marker, you can write, “From your ____ grade class, 2011.”

Do you have ideas that have worked for you? And how do you handle group gifts for teachers?

I know that the father thinks he’s doing the right thing, and I am sure my friends do too. They’re usually attentive parents.  I also know the theory is that if kids are allowed to drink alcohol with supervision, it somehow helps them to learn to drink responsibly. I’ve heard many parents of high school juniors and seniors say, “They’re going to drink in college anyway and I won’t be there to say anything so I ‘d rather them learn now.”

But there are many reasons why the theory of drinking with supervision doesn’t hold water, or tonic you could say. First of all, there’s the fact that it’s illegal to serve alcohol to minors and therefore parents can’t legally give permission for kids to participate in underage drinking at someone else’s house. Second, Long Island social host laws can result in all manner of fines and criminal action for the father in this story.  Third, how can anyone really know until it’s too late if a teen is going to have a bad reaction to alcohol?  Why make yourself responsible for that? Fourth, why do kids need to get used to alcohol before they’re in college anyway? Teens have a lot more mental and emotional development to go through before the day they leave for college. There’s a big difference between the emotional and mental maturity of a high school junior or senior and a college student (even if parents of college freshmen don’t see it). Furthermore, drinking alcohol isn’t something that they have to learn. What parents should try to do is to help their kids hold off on drinking as long as they can. What is the mad rush all the time for our kids to be adults? I don’t get it at all. Fifth, these juniors and seniors are also learning to drive for the first time. All you have to do is look at the many roadside memorials on every major highway on Long Island to know the horrific results of the combination of drinking and inexperienced driving.

But if any of the above sounds like the rantings of the teetotaller I am–for full disclosure while I did drink in college (when the drinking age was 18) I gave it up long ago for the calories and because there’s a history of alcoholism in my family–there’s another reason not to let kids drink before it’s time. A new study published in the Journal of Studies on Alcohol and Drugs shows that teens who are allowed to drink alcohol under adult supervision don’t learn about responsible drinking and actually drink more as they get older. The study followed kids in seventh through ninth grade, and found that by ninth grade, the kids who were drinking with supervison had alcohol-related consequences like not being able to stop drinking, having blackouts and getting into fights. The conclusion of the study is that parents shouldn’t allow drinking even under supervision. The lead researcher said, “Kids need parents to be parents, not drinking buddies.”

The fact is that parents shouldn’t assume that it’s inevitable that teens will drink alcohol. Or do drugs. Or have underage sex. It’s our responsibility to teach them about making safe and healthy decisions and to make sure that we develop and nurture strong lines of communication. Those are the parental choices that will help our children negotiate the world of college and beyond, not throwing up our hands and saying in effect, if we can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em. Parenting is about making difficult, and sometimes, painful choices, and while that becomes more complex in their teen years, that is the most important time to set boundaries.

So what if you, like me, become known as the parent who will say no? By their college years you won’t have much control beyond your checkbook. For the sake of their safety hang on to that control as long as you can.

I’m really fine with the old days, when I could indulge in a meal out and the only guilt I had to deal with is that the appetizer I ordered meant less money headed for my daughters’ college funds. Now I have the added guilt that I shouldn’t have eaten for three days prior–unless I’m planning six hours straight on the treadmill.

I’ve been polling serving people to see if the new calorie postings are changing the way we order, and in most cases they say it has. Or at least no one places an order anymore without subtly asking the server for absolution. (Look, we’ll pretend I am not getting a creamy, rich vodka sauce–500 calories–on my veggies. Just between you and me?) Maybe it will lead to bigger tips?

I understand that ultimately it’s in my best interest to know the calorie counts of all I order. But it sure spoils the fun. I’m not a fan of math to begin with. So maybe I’ll start saving money and calories and just eat home. At least so far my home is safe from calorie postings. If I ignore the product packaging that is.