Are Pink Legos Sexist?
Posted by: Liza N. Burby in: ● January 26, 2012
It’s not easy to shop for the right toys for your kids anymore, at least not if you’re trying to make sure that you take care of their future morality, gender identity, intellectual acumen, and the potential cure for cancer and development of world peace (because you never know; somebody’s kid has to do it). It just makes a simple trip to the toy store that much more complex.
For instance, to reinforce our nonracist beliefs, my husband and I bought both a black and white family to share our daughters’ pink dollhouse. For the girls, the dolls were one big, happy family, so that lesson at least worked. Their Barbies all had professional careers, and we were sure to have science kits and tools in the house as well as American Girl dolls (who do, after all, promote an appreciation for history). But no matter how purposefully my husband and I shopped for our daughters, they were drawn to My Little Pony with their pink and purple manes with tiny jewelled stickers. And their favorite game was Pretty, Pretty Princess where the winner is the girl who gets all the jewelry and the crown.
In retrospect I realize this toy preference was in part because any trip to the store was like having boys on one side and girls on the other at a school dance, since toy stores do indeed separate items by gender. Unless you purposefully walk your daughter down the “boys’” aisle, she won’t know what’s there; and the same holds true for boys. Then there are the commercials that let astute kids know from the first frame to whom the ad is targeted.
So I wasn’t at all surprised to hear about the controversial creation of pink Legos for girls who can now have their own set meant to build a beauty parlor or ice cream shop. They’re not as complex as those Star Wars kits in the boys’ aisle, but Lego is congratulating themselves for finally acknowledging the other half. (More likely they realized they were missing out on 50 percent of their potential shopping pool.) Lego spokespeople have said they didn’t create the gender divide and are only trying to cross it. But if it has taken them since 1947 to realize this, I’d say they do have some part in creating at least the perception that up until now Legos have been for boys only. My daughters had primary-colored Legos because they were fun to play with, and they created towers and structures that served equal duty for the Matchbox cars they had, as well as stables for their collection of My Little Ponies. But the fact that these were part of their toy collections is only due to the fact that my husband and I went to the boys’ aisle in the toy store to buy them. He had enjoyed them as a kid, and I had watched my brothers enjoy them. I didn’t want my girls to miss out.
All of this is to say that I don’t think girls need their Legos to be pink in order to feel that they can finally indulge in their brothers’ playtime. Is the Lego company making it easier for moms and dads to think Lego when they think of toys for their girls? I suppose the whole pink marketing campaign will work just fine. But it takes extra thought and awareness on the part of parents to shop for playthings for our children that don’t reinforce stereotypes, be it gender or race. Even then, as I learned with my own girls, there are gender differences that can’t be bridged with color, and why should they have to be? As my daughter’s pink and purple pair of My Little Ponies ride off into the sunset aboard a Tonka dumptruck, as their mom I proudly say: You go, girls.
Does Cheating Really Get Our Kids Ahead?
Posted by: Liza N. Burby in: ● September 28, 2011
My daughter will take her SAT for the second time on Saturday. I don’t anticipate a 2400 and I’m fine with that. She’s an excellent student with a varied and impressive activities resume, and her last SAT scores were decent. But I am fully aware of the pressure that the SATs and the ACTs that follow later in October put on our students. I’m also aware of the pressure parents feel, especially on Long Island, to pin their child’s college and future earning potential on Saturday’s outcome.
So it’s not surprising to me that six students at Great Neck North High School allegedly paid Sam Eshaghoff to take the SATs for them, achieving scores no lower than 2140. Who can say if the students’ parents knew what their children were doing or even if they were surprised by the results? Maybe these kids only have the one score to go by–and if you achieve such excellent scores the first time, why go back to get a comparison score that might tip off the officials? Were the guidance counselors surprised that these particular students did so well? Or were no red flags raised because they probably would have done this well on their own but panicked and decided to cheat instead? I suppose the details will come out as they always do.
But for now as a parent of a high school senior I’m reminded of my indignation when I learned that my daughters’ friends exaggerated and outright lied about their high school activities on applications for the honor society (how’s that for irony?) and college and got away with it. It’s one of those parenting moments when you feel helpless because the obvious comment, “At least you know you earned your achievements the honest way” seems hollow. We live in a society that admires those who can “get away with” lying and cheating. And yet it still seems the right thing to do to raise my children to be honest so they can take pride in what they accomplish, no matter the outcome. Some will say that’s naive. But here’s the thing: no one really ever “gets away with it.” Eventually they get caught, and then the fall is so much longer and the landing so much harder. My girls have and will continue to go through many disappointments in life. But one thing I know for sure is that everything that didn’t go the way they wanted has turned out to be a valuable life lesson. Another thing I’m certain of is that most every student who applies to a variety of colleges will get accepted somewhere–even if they don’t achieve 240o on their SATs on Saturday.
Etiquette Tips for Kids
Posted by: Liza N. Burby in: ● August 1, 2011
When the owner of a restaurant in Pennsylvania announced recently that they would no longer admit children under 6 because their “volume can’t be controlled,” my first thought was the response was outrageous. But then I wondered: exactly how loud were those kids anyway? Since I’ve never been to their restaurant I can’t judge. My husband and I would leave a restaurant with our children if it became clear that they were disturbing others. It seems like ultimately this is an issue of etiquette, and it’s an opportune time to remind ourselves of the manners children can be expected to display in all situations.
Etiquette celebrity Letitia Baldrige says that good manners mean good human relations, the way you act around people. “They’re about self-control and kindness to others—and common sense. Good manners are easy to figure out and they’re the quickest and easiest way to get something done. For example, if you eat properly, there’s less to clean up.”
Most of us understand that well-mannered children are more pleasant to be around. And Baldrige asserts that good manners lead to leadership positions and to getting and keeping jobs. Further, Peggy Post, great-granddaughter-in-law of Emily Post, says that children who are taught etiquette basics also have increased confidence in their ability to handle daily situations, as well as difficult ones.
Still, for all the benefits of good manners, for most parents, the question is how to teach them. The most logical way is to keep in mind your own manners. You can’t be impolite and then teach your kids to do as you say, but not as you do. Like all aspects of parenting, there are no shortcuts. While children should be taught good manners by parental example and with consistency, Post believes it’s also a cumulative process. “You make it clear to your children what you expect of them and you gradually build on those expectations.”
As a guideline, Post says there are certain skills children should be able to manage at each age, depending on their language and fine-motor skills.
• Age 2: Should be taught to say “please” and “thank you.” • Ages 3-4: Should learn to be neat eaters, handle basic introductions and not interrupt.
• Ages 5-6: With role-playing, you can teach children how to meet adults, by looking them in the eye and shaking hands. Most children should also be able to handle a knife and fork.
• Ages 7-10: They should be able to hold a conversation with an adult, though their attention spans probably won’t last for long conversations. You shouldn’t expect that, but should teach them to say, “May I be excused?” They should also know to put their napkin in their laps.
• Adolescents: While some teens may buck good manners, it’s never too late for them to learn. If you’ve taught them the basic building blocks, they’ll remember the rules.
If you’re not sure what to advise your children, Baldrige says you can’t go wrong teaching them the golden rule: Treat others the way you want to be treated and go one step further to simply being kind.
What Do You Say to a Child?
Posted by: Liza N. Burby in: ● June 11, 2011
For three years Long Island Parent magazine has been among the sponsors of the Mothers Against Drunk Drivers walk at SUNY Farmingdale, and this morning was no exception. I didn’t feel up to going, really. It has been a long week, one of those when you’re working and running somewhere every minute yet never feel like you’re really whittling down your to-do list. I was so tired and it was so chilly this morning. But Long Island Parent needed to be there. So I loaded up the car and went to set up our booth as we do with all our events, complete with crafts for the kids.
Within minutes I was humbled about my internal grumbling. And in tears. Because what do you say to a 7-year-old child wearing a T-shirt that reads, “A drunk driver killed my dad?” Her mom stood nearby surrounded by friends. Her T-shirt read, “A drunk driver killed my husband.” On April 30 at 5 am while he was on his way to work. What is the sense of that? The little girl happily made her craft with me and we chatted about her choices of stickers. And I was so glad to be able to be a part of the event for her sake and the 1,000-plus others there, all wearing equally tragic T-shirts about someone they had lost. Because even though we all know we’re not supposed to drink and drive, somehow there are those who feel this doesn’t apply to them. They drive anyway, and someone dies. Someone like the cousin of one little boy who told me today, “A car runned over my cousin.” Or the woman who was there because three years ago, on his Thanksgiving break, her sister-in-law’s brother was killed by a drunk driver.
What do you say to a child about reckless adult behavior that can change a child’s life forever? How do you explain all the empty pairs of shoes along the MADD walk’s path that represent lives lost, from the tiniest baby shoes to adult male sneakers?
You can’t, really. All you can do is repeat the message to drive sober and pray that someone is listening. If you won’t do it for my daughters and husband, or the many families there at the walk today, do it for your own family. Because no child should ever have to wear a T-shirt that reads “A drunk driver killed my dad.” If you insist that you can drink and drive then please tell me, what would you say to that child?
The Teacher Gift Dilemma
Posted by: Liza N. Burby in: ● June 8, 2011
As I posted today on in my Family Forum column on Patch.com, it’s the time of year when we need to find that teacher gift. It’s not an obligation by any means. But when your child has had a good year or the teacher has put in extra effort on your child’s behalf, it’s always nice to recognize that. Of course busy parents struggle for an idea that’s not too costly. Before you opt for the standard “No. 1 Teacher” statue or take up a collection for a generic mall gift certificate, let your child have input so they feel ownership in the process. The end result can be a memorable homemade gift or a letter indicating how the teacher made a difference for your child. Leave space for him to jot down what he enjoyed most. You could send a copy to the principal so it becomes part of the teacher’s personnel file.
If you’re stumped for ideas, I’ve been the class mom often enough to share with you some successful gifts to my daughters’ teachers (as well as coaches, dance instructors, bus driver, etc.). Some have been group gifts from the whole class regardless of a student’s ability to contribute.
- Be creative. For instance, get a butterfly bush meant to attract butterflies for the teacher who taught a lesson about them.
- Give him something for his leisure time: a gift certificate for a local restaurant or movie theater passes.
- Try something the teacher can share with her own children, like gift certificates to an ice cream parlor.
- Replace classroom games that are worn.
- Get a special edition of the book the teacher read to the class this year.
- Make a scrapbook. Take photos of each child and have them write their favorite class memory. Bind them together with ribbon.
- Buy a canvas tote bag or a T-shirt and have the students each make a pair of handprints with various colored fabric paints. With a fabric marker, you can write, “From your ____ grade class, 2011.”
Do you have ideas that have worked for you? And how do you handle group gifts for teachers?
Drinking Buddy Parents
Posted by: Liza N. Burby in: ● April 30, 2011
Last Saturday night three of my 17-year-old daughter’s friends were invited to drink at another friend’s house. The host father said he would buy the kids alcohol, but only those who had permission from their parents were allowed to come over. He spoke with each parent and promised to drive the kids home after. They didn’t ask my daughter because, they told her later, they knew I would say no. I’ve known two of these teens a long time, and their parents are my friends. My reaction to the parents’ decisions? I’ll be nice and say they were misguided.
I know that the father thinks he’s doing the right thing, and I am sure my friends do too. They’re usually attentive parents. I also know the theory is that if kids are allowed to drink alcohol with supervision, it somehow helps them to learn to drink responsibly. I’ve heard many parents of high school juniors and seniors say, “They’re going to drink in college anyway and I won’t be there to say anything so I ‘d rather them learn now.”
But there are many reasons why the theory of drinking with supervision doesn’t hold water, or tonic you could say. First of all, there’s the fact that it’s illegal to serve alcohol to minors and therefore parents can’t legally give permission for kids to participate in underage drinking at someone else’s house. Second, Long Island social host laws can result in all manner of fines and criminal action for the father in this story. Third, how can anyone really know until it’s too late if a teen is going to have a bad reaction to alcohol? Why make yourself responsible for that? Fourth, why do kids need to get used to alcohol before they’re in college anyway? Teens have a lot more mental and emotional development to go through before the day they leave for college. There’s a big difference between the emotional and mental maturity of a high school junior or senior and a college student (even if parents of college freshmen don’t see it). Furthermore, drinking alcohol isn’t something that they have to learn. What parents should try to do is to help their kids hold off on drinking as long as they can. What is the mad rush all the time for our kids to be adults? I don’t get it at all. Fifth, these juniors and seniors are also learning to drive for the first time. All you have to do is look at the many roadside memorials on every major highway on Long Island to know the horrific results of the combination of drinking and inexperienced driving.
But if any of the above sounds like the rantings of the teetotaller I am–for full disclosure while I did drink in college (when the drinking age was 18) I gave it up long ago for the calories and because there’s a history of alcoholism in my family–there’s another reason not to let kids drink before it’s time. A new study published in the Journal of Studies on Alcohol and Drugs shows that teens who are allowed to drink alcohol under adult supervision don’t learn about responsible drinking and actually drink more as they get older. The study followed kids in seventh through ninth grade, and found that by ninth grade, the kids who were drinking with supervison had alcohol-related consequences like not being able to stop drinking, having blackouts and getting into fights. The conclusion of the study is that parents shouldn’t allow drinking even under supervision. The lead researcher said, “Kids need parents to be parents, not drinking buddies.”
The fact is that parents shouldn’t assume that it’s inevitable that teens will drink alcohol. Or do drugs. Or have underage sex. It’s our responsibility to teach them about making safe and healthy decisions and to make sure that we develop and nurture strong lines of communication. Those are the parental choices that will help our children negotiate the world of college and beyond, not throwing up our hands and saying in effect, if we can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em. Parenting is about making difficult, and sometimes, painful choices, and while that becomes more complex in their teen years, that is the most important time to set boundaries.
So what if you, like me, become known as the parent who will say no? By their college years you won’t have much control beyond your checkbook. For the sake of their safety hang on to that control as long as you can.
I’ll Have the Pasta, But Redact the Calories, Please
Posted by: Liza N. Burby in: ● February 22, 2011
Whose idea was it to post calories in restaurants? It’s bad enough the food prices on menus are increasing. But now I have to read that the whole wheat pasta primavera, the only healthy choice on the menu, is 1020 calories, and a side salad (with creamy Italian dressing) is 640? Better not touch the garlic knots. When did one meal out become the weekly allotment for calories? All I did was look at a piece of cheese cake and the guilt set in: 1605 calories? Are you kidding me?
I’m really fine with the old days, when I could indulge in a meal out and the only guilt I had to deal with is that the appetizer I ordered meant less money headed for my daughters’ college funds. Now I have the added guilt that I shouldn’t have eaten for three days prior–unless I’m planning six hours straight on the treadmill.
I’ve been polling serving people to see if the new calorie postings are changing the way we order, and in most cases they say it has. Or at least no one places an order anymore without subtly asking the server for absolution. (Look, we’ll pretend I am not getting a creamy, rich vodka sauce–500 calories–on my veggies. Just between you and me?) Maybe it will lead to bigger tips?
I understand that ultimately it’s in my best interest to know the calorie counts of all I order. But it sure spoils the fun. I’m not a fan of math to begin with. So maybe I’ll start saving money and calories and just eat home. At least so far my home is safe from calorie postings. If I ignore the product packaging that is.
Another Holiday Season
Posted by: Liza N. Burby in: ● December 23, 2010
Christmas has always been my favorite holiday. I like the sounds, smells, tastes, not to mention the contagious excitement that kids exude. What I don’t like is the shopping. That’s not to say I don’t enjoy picking out the perfect gift for my girls knowing they’ll be delighted. In fact, until I find that one gift, I’m not satisfied. But what I dislike is the pressure to spend money on things that most of the recipients really don’t need. That just makes me sound cranky, I know. And truthfully I’m gearing myself up to go out to shop for the few items I didn’t have time to get to sooner. When that’s over, I’ll probably feel a lot better about it all.
But it is hard to justify buying items for kids who have so much when we keep hearing reports of how many families are struggling this year. Tree sales are down because families can’t afford to buy the tree, let alone what they’d like to put under it for their children. Which is why, when I saw the viral video about the little boy who said “pooh” to books, rather than finding it amusing as the rest of the world undoubtedly does, I just felt a little dismayed. Above and beyond the fact that no preschooler should be upset about receiving books if books are already, hopefully, part of his daily life as the experts recommend, there’s the fact that gratitude must be taught to our children from the beginning. I’m sure this little boy was overwhelmed by the holiday–sensory overload is common on holidays, after all. But I hope that all the parents enjoying this video take a moment to think what they’ll do on Christmas if their child receives something they don’t like, from you, Santa or Grandma. Hopefully you won’t laugh, as the dad in the video did. Better to have a gentle comment ready so that your child learns what we’ve always been taught: it’s the thought that counts.
And while I don’t believe in guilting kids into gratitude (remember the starving children in China you were reminded about when you didn’t want to eat what was on your plate) I do think it’s an important life lesson for them to know that not everyone has the same blessings they do, and that we should live life with that “attitude of gratitude” slogan in our heads. Because after all, that is what the holiday season is supposed to be about.
May your holidays be all that you hope for. And good luck with your shopping plans–whatever is on your list.
The TV Family Has Come of Age
Posted by: Liza N. Burby in: ● November 16, 2010
We’re not a big TV-watching family. We have a 26-inch TV in the family room and one rarely watched TV in the basement, and that seems excessive to us. But for a few months now, in addition to watching Glee, my husband, daughter and I have been enjoying two family shows, Parenthood and Modern Family. The writing for both shows is outstanding, a rarity for prime-time TV. They both depict extended families who not only share their daily lives, they also, for the most part, really like each other. It’s refreshing to tune in each week to watch parents who struggle with the same issues we all struggle with, and get support from their adult siblings and parents.
Modern Family takes the stereotypes of the trophy wife and the gay couple and manages to use them to great advantage in a way that shows us all that our modern families do come in many configurations, and they all, no matter who lives in them, love, cry, laugh and get angry with each other, and still manage to remain strong. Parenthood is so well written I feel as though I can be watching and listening to my friends. Particularly compelling are the stories around 10-year-old Max who has Aspergers. Today we all know families who deal with special needs children and the show provides a gentle lesson in compassion and understanding for anyone who has ever been judgmental of another parent’s handling of a difficult child.
In all both shows make TV watching a pleasure. My family isn’t likely to change how big our TV screen is, but finally there’s something worth watching on it. Does anyone else have opinions about these two shows? I’d love to hear from you.
Our Kids Are Nincompoops?
Posted by: Liza N. Burby in: ● September 28, 2010
That’s what the authors of two new books have concluded. They feel that because kids don’t often know what a can opener is or know how to do household chores that they’re ill-equipped to face the world. It’s true that they don’t remember a time when you had to get up to change the limited number of TV stations and most don’t remember when all the information they needed wasn’t at their fingertips. But does that really make them nincompoops?
Puh-leez! I believe that our children are perfectly capable of learning the art of opening a can of soup or loading a washing machine. Their minds are so engrossed in a technological world we adults are still adapting to that I think their higher learning skills are more sophisticated than ours are. Moreover, if they haven’t learned to tie their shoes by three or make a tray of ice cubes by 12, it’s more likely we haven’t taken the time to teach them because we’re so wrapped up in getting them to after-school activities we believe will prepare them for the real world. It’s all a matter of priority. It’s easy enough to model the tasks we want our kids to learn, giving them chores as they’re able in their very busy schedules. It can even be a moment you share, like planning a meal together or sorting laundry. Our kids are actually quite smart. Given a little time they’ll be able to produce a perfectly fine tray of ice cubes. And if not, well, there are more important things to worry about, whether or not you’re a nincompoop.